Ding Dong DOMA’s Dead!

(This is an update of an article that originally ran in PQ MONTHLY DEC 2012)

Well, my imaginary readers, I have to admit sometimes as I sleep late at night Momma has nightmares. In these, I’m wearing a long white dress with a train, and I’m not even in a remake of Carrie.

If I’m dressed up and yet frightened of the prospect, there must be something wrong. The only time I’ve been hesitant to dress up is the one time my former Mystery Mister wanted me to be entered into a Lady GaGa look alike pageant and the only song left was “Alejandro”. I’d rather have gouged my eyes out.

So, a few months ago when I lie down to slumber, I kept waking up to visions of picking out colors, little babies dressed as corporate bankers, and people throwing uncooked rice as a projectile toward my HEAD, I knew something was up. And it was.

My greatest fear had been realized. DOMA was overturned by the Supreme Court.

Now, don’t get Momma wrong. I’m pleased as punch that we are making leaps and bounds in getting our relationships validated. More and more of the general populace is realizing that gay couples are remarkably like straight couples, toothpaste cap argument and all. For example, in the overturning of Proposition 8 of California, the Supreme Court of California said in part: “Moral disapproval alone is an improper basis on which to deny rights to gay men and lesbians … The evidence shows conclusively that Proposition 8 enacts, without reason, a private moral view that same-sex couples are inferior to opposite-sex couples.”

It’s one thing to disapprove of my morals, even I do that. But it’s another thing to think my relationship is inferior to your relationship, when the only difference is my partner keeps her toys in a drawer and I never have to deal with shaving dust in the bathroom, or the seat being up. Anyone who has had to be around me in a full on tantrum yelling “Don’t you even KNOW me! I’m done! DONE!,” should really get some sort of prize. It’s not easy dating a drag queen.

In the meantime, back to my nightmare. When I was a wee dyke of nineteen, head freshly shaved, in my Levis and chain wallet – during what friends and family term my “dark days of butchness” – I thought being gay was my get-out-of-jail-free card. All the butches a girl could want, none of the commitment! It was like a 5.99 all-you-can-eat buffet at my house. Now, times have changed, and this year I have been invited to five baby showers, three weddings and not one dungeon party. It’s as if the gay community is growing up and leaving the ass-less chaps behind.

However, doll, lest you think I have an issue with marriage, I assure you that I’m a fan. I’m newly converted to an idea of commitment that doesn’t involve a little white jacket and a extended stay at a spa made of concrete. I’m all for building a life with my partner and laying a foundation for the future. Although, I am wondering why marriage involves an extended construction metaphor. I just worry about any contract I’ve decided to sign that has no expiration date and a current failure rate of sixty percent. I want to get married, I just don’t want a sub-prime partnership with a high rate of default.

The fact is that the country is moving toward recognizing our partnerships. There are those that don’t support equal marriage rights or being gay. Which I don’t understand; the quickest way to stop gay sex is gay marriage. Maybe they are just afraid that we will do it better than they do, you know, like woodworking or interior decorating.

With the overturning of Prop 8 and the end of DOMA it is feasible that we could see gay marriage enacted nationally within the decade. My only hope is that when that happens, I’m emotionally mature enough to throw my life away.

Boy Scouts. ARRGHHH!

For the record, the Boy Scouts did NOT change their policy effectively. They made it so kids who are gay wouldn’t get kicked out. But if you are an adult, even if you spent 12 years becoming an Eagle Scout, the day you turn 18 you are kicked out. They are still equating adult queers with pedophilia by rendering them not okay to be around children.

This is the reality. 90% of pedophiles are straight men. Abusing kids is about power, not sex. Not even a little.

Unless the Boy Scout lift their ban entirely, I suggest that people do not have their boys join. Join Navigators USA (http://navigatorsusa.org/) or one of the other Orgs that are like the Boy Scouts but have different policies.

This policy change is worse than no policy change. It implies that as a gay child we will begrudgingly accept you, but we know what you really become once you’re 18, and we don’t think you should be around our children.

Another Fat Girl Devastated over Abercrombie and Fitch

Ok maybe not. I don’t know why the internet outrage meter on this whole ‘no fat clothes’ at A&F is nearing defcon 1.(A&F windbag CEO’s opinion) They have always had white, too thin, model types for the stores. The CEO of A&F Mike Jefferies is clearly pathological in his need to distance himself from his not so beautiful roots.

The guy looks (MIke’s mug) like the main character in the 1985 movie Mask. (For people who’s cells hadn’t divided in 1985) For a guy like him to refuse to even be around people that don’t fit into a very narrow definition of beauty means that guy has a shit-ton of self hate going on. That’s fucking tragic. I don’t give a shit what his opinion is on the popularity of fat people, because he’s clearly basing his company on a standard that he himself cannot meet.

So fat girls out there. Rest assured that my life is awesome. I wear a size 18/20, I have great adventures. I get to act, sing, perform stand-up comedy, write and sometimes I even model. I get laid.

Mike Jefferies is a sad sack of shit who has turned projection of his own insecurities into a multi-million dollar company. My self image or popularity is not based on fitting into a A&F size 10. Or a Lane Bryant size 20. You are not your size.

Marriage is only gay if both parties wear rainbows and sing showtunes.

This is a big week for same-sex marriage kats and kittens! Supreme court is going to hear arguments about the shit clusterfuck that is DOMA and Prop 8. After years the NOH8 people will finally have their orgasm.

People are saying they are cautiously optimistic, but I am full-on optimistic. Even republicans are backing us, and everyone knows that they are 15 years behind everyone else. (If you don’t believe me conservatives, look at your pants.)

I would imagine that the LGBTQIIAA (how many letters do we need?) community will full on riot if Prop 8 is not repealed. At least I hope so. I will personally buy every dyke a pair of Doc Martians and revive the Lesbian Avengers (www.lesbianavengers.com) if this shit is not repealed. Or maybe we’ll change the name to Queer Avengers so we can be all inclusive of our trans-family.

I have no doubt that DOMA will be repealed because my imaginary boyfriend Barack Obama has come out in favor of same-sex marriage and the administration has said they will not challenge it.

Prop 8 seems to be a little trickier with wide ranging repercussions and a hinging vote in Justice Kennedy being hard to read. I liked the NY Times breakdown on this if you want more than a random queer girl’s view on the whole thing.

New York Times’ take on the Supreme Court’s decision.

I hope the Supreme Court will do the right thing this time. A girl can dream.